Skills Library

Empathy

What this looks like:

  • Makes oneself available and provides undivided attention when others express their thoughts and feelings (actively listens)

  • Frames conversations in a way that helps others feel heard, understood and appreciated

  • Suspends judgment, assumptions, and unsolicited advice about others’ behaviors 

  • Asks open-ended questions to clarify misunderstandings and invites others to share their thoughts in-depth

Video tutorials

On-the-job practice

  • Don’t assume. Don’t take people’s actions toward you personally. Perhaps a family member is in the hospital, or the individual got a speeding ticket on their way to work. Avoid making pre-judgments and assuming the worst of people.

    • Try this: Thoughts > Feelings > Actions. Understand unmindful thoughts can turn into feelings, which turn into actions. The next time someone does something that irks you, ask yourself, “What am I thinking right now?” and “What am I feeling right now?” Your negative thoughts and feelings may make you want to seek revenge or find a scapegoat to displace your feelings. Instead, give the person the benefit of the doubt, or if possible, ask questions to better understand the reasoning behind their behavior, e.g., Can you help me understand your thoughts behind making that decision?

    • Try this: Empathy starts with curiosity.  Make a list of open-ended questions you could ask a friend or trusted coworker regarding something you admire about them. Ask them at least 1 question from this list today.  e.g., What made you passionate about computers? How do you know so much about this process? How did you get into volleyball? The more curious you are about the other person, the more understanding and less assuming you become. 

  • Practice active listening. Rather than thinking of how you’ll respond, take the time to hear what the other person is saying. Be present in the conversation and show that you respect and value what they have to say.

    • Try this: Next time you have a conversation with a coworker, paraphrase what the other person said. For example, “I’m hearing that you want more consideration” or “I’m hearing that you felt uncomfortable when I said that.”

    • Try this: Practice having a conversation with a friend or trusted coworker using mostly questions. You may find it is much harder than you thought, and this practice will help highlight how often we make assumptions of others versus asking them to clarify. Here are some questions for starters:

      • Can you tell me more about X? 

      • How do you feel about that? 

      • What do you think you’re going to do? 

      • What do you want to happen? 

    • Try this: (COVID-pending) Shake hands or make eye contact with three different people each day this week. When you connect through body language, it often creates emotional safety and informs others that you are present and open to receiving them.

  • Suspend judgment and advice. You don’t have to agree with the other person, but put yourself in their shoes. 

    • Try this: The next time you have a conversation with a coworker, do not challenge what’s being claimed and put your views aside. You don’t have to agree with them, but respond with validation, such as “I appreciate you opening up to talk about X.” 

    • Try this: Empathy is a meditation.  Every time you catch yourself giving unsolicited advice, be mindful and tell yourself, “It’s okay. It’s normal. I will go back to listening.”

    • Try this: Some people already know what they need to do to resolve an issue, but they just want to vent to someone and be heard. Instead of going straight to problem-solving mode, ask the person, “Would you like empathy or advice?” 

More resources for inspiration

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