How to Give Constructive Criticism Without Hurting Feelings
Over the years, after training thousands of people on the best methods for giving constructive feedback, I’ve noticed a common challenge: many people shy away from sharing their thoughts because they’re unsure how to deliver ‘negative’ feedback without sounding too harsh. While their intentions are usually good and they want to help others grow, people often hold back for fear of saying the wrong thing. This hesitation can prevent them from becoming the supportive, effective manager they aspire to be—and can also hinder their direct reports from reaching their full potential.
To overcome this challenge, I want to share the BIR Feedback Model, a solid framework for delivering feedback that I’ve relied on for years. Without this tool, I’ve found feedback can easily miss the mark, come across as too critical, or even erode trust within your team.
The BIR Constructive Feedback Model
The BIR Feedback Model consists of three key components: Behavior, Impact, and Request. I’ll break down each one to help you understand why they’re essential for delivering effective and meaningful feedback.
Behavior
The first component of the BIR Feedback Model is Behavior. A behavior is an observable action, typically something you’ve seen a person say or do. It is specific, measurable, and objective, meaning it is not based on assumptions, interpretations, or feelings but rather on concrete actions that others can witness. You can think of it as something that would be captured on a security camera. The key to giving feedback that inspires action is the ability to clearly identify the behavior in question.
For example, let’s say you’re a Production Manager overseeing a team that produces widgets. Claudia, one of your production line associates, has arrived 30 minutes late for the past three days. You’ve observed her walking into the office after the scheduled start time. This is easy to confirm—it’s a clear, undeniable fact.
As humans, though, we often judge others based on their behavior. As Claudia’s manager, we might think things like, "She has poor time management," or "She’s lazy" because she’s been late several times over the past few days. Words like “poor time management,” and “lazy,” are judgments—subjective, vague, and based on our opinions. These judgmental words can confuse people or come across as labels that feel like personal attacks on their character, often leading to defensiveness. When people become defensive, they may withhold information, distance themselves, or feel like the relationship has been damaged.
So, how do you distinguish between a behavior and a judgment? Simply ask yourself, “What did this person say or do that made me think they are [insert judgment word]?”
In Claudia’s case, the answer is clear: She arrived 30 minutes late for work on three separate occasions. There’s no room for debate here. Just look at the “cameras”.
What happens if you don’t pinpoint the behavior?
The behavior doesn’t change. If you say something vague like, “You need to work on your communication,” the employee might misunderstand what you mean. You could be asking for a 7-day notice when they can’t meet a commitment, but they might think you want faster email responses. As a result, they focus on the wrong thing, while you’re frustrated that the real issue wasn’t addressed.
People become defensive. When your feedback lacks specificity, it’s more likely to lead to a debate. Calling someone “lazy” feels like a personal attack and may cause them to list reasons why they’re not lazy instead of reflecting. But if you say, “You arrived 30 minutes late,” it’s a clear fact. They might explain why, but they can’t dispute it.
Frustration builds. If feedback is unclear, nothing changes. You feel frustrated, and so does the employee because they don’t know what you expect. Over time, trust and rapport can fade.
So what should you do?
Focus your feedback on behaviors, not judgments. When you need to address an issue, describe what the person did or said (the facts), rather than making judgments about what you think they did. Be as specific as possible, so they can’t deny it—there should be no room for ambiguity like “No, that’s not true, I didn’t do that.” Instead, aim for clarity so they fully understand what they did and what you're referring to. This way, they can focus on changing the behavior or action you’re addressing, rather than getting caught up in defending themselves against a judgmental comment.
Impact
The second component of the BIR Feedback Model is Impact. Illustrating the impact motivates them to take action. For example, Claudia should stop arriving late to work (behavior) because her absence slows down production when there aren’t enough people on the assembly line (impact). In order for a behavior to change, the employee needs to understand why their behavior matters and how it affects the job, team, or organization.
I've found it helpful to remember the acronym WIIFM—What’s In It For Me? When giving feedback, it’s important to consider why that specific employee should care. The impact should be relevant to them personally, as different people are motivated by different aspects of their work.
For example, if you say the impact is lost sales, that may matter to a manager whose performance is tied to the bottom line. But if you say the same thing to Claudia, an assembly line worker whose performance is measured by the number of widgets produced, she likely won’t be as concerned about the company’s financials. Instead, you could say that arriving late means missing the daily widget goal, which affects her bonus.
Additionally, not everyone is motivated by company performance alone. While employees generally want the company to succeed, what often drives them more are the relationships they have at work. In this case, you might highlight how the behavior impacts team morale and how other team members view them.
What happens if you don’t share the impact?
The behavior doesn’t change. If you don’t explain the impact, the employee may not see why a change is necessary. Without understanding the consequences, they may think, "Who cares?" and continue as they are.
There’s a lack of meaning. Even if the employee follows instructions, they might not understand the bigger picture or why their work matters. Without context, they may feel like they’re just completing tasks without purpose, leading to lower engagement.
So what should you do?
The key thing to remember is that different people care about different things. You need to understand which impact statements resonate most with your employee in order to drive the behavior change you want.
Pro Tip:
When addressing impact, it can be helpful to mention both task-related and people-related consequences. The direct impact may be that a task goes uncompleted or a target isn’t met. The residual impact, however, could affect the people involved, which is equally important to highlight. For example, if Claudia arrives 30 minutes late, what are the potential impacts on the team and the work environment?
| Level | Task-Related Impact | Residual People-Related Impact |
|---|---|---|
| Individual | You’re unable to meet your production goal for the day. | Your coworkers may feel frustrated. Or, you lose out on your bonus. |
| Team | The team may not be able to meet production targets for the day. | Team morale goes down because people have to work overtime to produce the widgets. |
| Company | The company will lose out on potential sales. | People won’t be able to receive bonuses this year. |
Let’s do another example. Let’s say you’re Tyler’s manager. You’ve noticed that Tyler needs to improve his communication skills, specifically by notifying you when he’s stuck on a problem or giving you a heads-up in advance, rather than waiting until the day of the deadline to bring it to your attention. What are some potential impacts of his behavior?
| Level | Task-Related Impact | Residual People-Related Impact |
|---|---|---|
| Individual | You missed your goal. | I (the manager) need to rearrange my workday to help you meet your goal. |
| Team | The team project will be delayed. | People are frustrated because the project is delayed and they don’t feel they can count on you. |
| Company | The client doesn’t receive their deliverable on time as promised. We lose the client. | We need to restructure our org and lay off people. |
Request
The final part of the BIR Feedback Model is the Request. Simply put, what do you want the employee to do differently? As a mother of two daughters, I’ve learned that you can’t just tell a child to stop doing something—like banging on a glass window. You also need to show or tell them what they can do instead, such as gently tapping on the window. The same applies to feedback: you need to model what success looks like or clearly define what is acceptable.
Going back to Claudia’s example, the request could be as simple as, “Can you make sure to arrive at 9 AM tomorrow?” For Tyler, it could be, “Next time you encounter an obstacle with a task, can you let me know as soon as it happens, rather than waiting until the day before the deadline?” Sometimes, you may also need to explain the reasoning behind your request to provide further context.
What happens if you don’t share the request?
They don’t learn. If you only tell people what they cannot do, they’ll only learn a list of restrictions without understanding what they should be doing instead.
So what should you do?
Make your request clear. Whether as a statement or a question, be sure to clearly communicate what you want, and show them what success looks like.
An Example of Constructive Feedback
Here’s an example of the whole constructive feedback in one shot.
Hey Claudia, I noticed the past three days, you arrived to work 30 minutes late. (Behavior)
I mention this because the team is unable to produce the amount of widgets we need to meet daily production, and some people will have to stay back for overtime to get it done. (Impact)
Can you make sure you show up at 9 AM tomorrow on the production floor ready to start work? (Request)
Layered Feedback Approach
I rarely need to use the full BIR Feedback Model. (Say what? Then why did I spend 10 minutes reading about it?) I typically reserve it for serious conversations, especially when previous attempts to address the issue haven’t worked.
Rather than going directly to the BIR Feedback Model, I use a layered approach, adding elements of the BIR model as needed. Your approach will depend on your company's policies, but to keep things simple, we'll use a straightforward example with Claudia.
1st Attempt - Request Only
Most employees already feel bad when they arrive 30 minutes late. They’re likely rushing and anxious because they know they should have been on time. They realize their mistake, apologize, and often correct the behavior on their own. In this case, a simple request to be on time the next day is usually enough.
Example: “Hey Claudia, can you make sure you come in at 9 AM tomorrow?”
2nd Attempt - Behavior and Request
But let’s say Claudia arrives 30 minutes late again the following day. At this point, you can add the specific behavior to your request.
Example: “Hey Claudia, I noticed you arrived to work 30 minutes late the past two days. Can you make sure to arrive by 9 AM tomorrow?”
By now, Claudia should understand the issue. However, not everyone changes their behavior right away.
3rd Attempt - Behavior, Impact, and Request
If the problem persists, it’s time to use the full BIR Feedback Model we previously discussed when we tied it altogether. For those who may not connect the dots on their own, clearly laying out the Behavior, Impact, and Request can help drive the message home, as we discussed earlier.
Using the full BIR Feedback Model can feel one-sided. It’s possible that Claudia is usually a stellar employee and these late arrivals are out of character. Sometimes, it's better to gather more information before jumping to conclusions. For example, you might say, “Hey Claudia, I noticed you were 30 minutes late this morning. Is everything okay?” This way, you open up a dialogue and avoid making assumptions. (In a separate blog, we’ll discuss how to have a more collaborative conversation to coach and develop your employees).
A Foolproof Recipe for Giving Constructive Criticism
Serves: 1 meaningful conversation
Prep Time: A few minutes of thought
Cook Time: A few minutes of discussion
Difficulty Level: Easy with Practice
Ingredients
1 or 2 Clear Behaviors
1 Meaningful Impact
1 Actionable Request
1 tbsp Clarity
1 tsp Empathy
1 tsp Active Listening
1 tsp Growth Mindset
Instructions
Preheat: Warm up the conversation by letting the individual know what you’d like to discuss:
“Hey, can I talk to you about your presentation this morning?”Start with a Positive Intention: State your positive intention and the reason for the conversation:
“I want to make sure I’m providing you with the support you need to be successful in your role.”Add the Behavior: Clearly state the observed behavior:
“I noticed that your presentation had the wrong sales data and we misspelled the client’s name.”Sprinkle in the Impact: Explain the impact of this behavior:
“I’m bringing this up because attention to detail is important in our line of work. If a client notices simple mistakes in a presentation, they may lose confidence in our ability to represent them in the future.”Mix in the Request: Make a clear, specific request:
“Can you make sure to double-check your work before presenting? You may also want to consider having a colleague review it first.”Garnish with Encouragement: Close with a motivating remark to show your support:
“We’re all learning and growing here. I’m here to support you if you need anything.”
Constructive feedback doesn’t have to be complicated. With the right ingredients, you can turn uncomfortable conversations into productive, supportive dialogues. Feedback is an opportunity to help your team grow, strengthen relationships, and ultimately drive better results. So, the next time you need to address an issue, follow this “recipe” to ensure your message is clear, impactful, and supportive. Your team will appreciate it, and you’ll foster a stronger, more cohesive work environment.
May your feedback be clear, constructive, and well-received!
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