Communicating with Empathy
(5-minute read)
I was at the lowest point in my life living alone in San Francisco a few days after New Year’s back in my 20’s. Although I felt deeply lonely, I didn’t phone a friend because I didn’t want to burden them with my feelings. The truth was, I didn’t even know what I was feeling. Part of me no longer wanted to live. Part of me was terrified of dying.
Then my little sister called to ask how I was. I almost didn’t pick up. I felt ashamed but we had a good relationship and I trusted her enough to share that I wasn't well. We talked for only 10-15 minutes and, yet, after the call, I think a burden lifted and I felt at ease and considerably less lonely. She did not know it then, but her taking a moment to listen made the difference between life and death. Perhaps an exaggeration. Perhaps not. But that call highlighted, for me, the importance of empathy.
Empathy is not a magic bullet. It’s not going to solve all of your problems. That said, learning how to listen to yourself and others will help identify reasons for the conflict. A common mistake people make, in their desire to help, is to jump to problem-solving in the form of advice or reassurance. People don't care about what you know until they know that you care.
When you’re willing to hear what is important to someone else, it’s much more likely they will be willing to hear you and come to a resolution.
What is empathy?
Empathy is a language of listening. Have you ever visited a place where nobody speaks English? Perhaps you felt frustrated not being able to understand what someone was saying. Empathy helps us understand people who don’t speak our “language.” Someone who is very different from us, someone we just don’t “get.”
Empathy is also a path. To me, there are two paths in empathy. The intellectual path involves thinking and the emotional path involves feeling. Both ways lead you towards understanding what someone is needing and feeling.
Most importantly, empathy is a skill. We are taught how to read, write, and do arithmetic, but not listening. It is one of the most essential life skills yet it’s rarely ever taught in the classroom.
Who can use empathy?
Empathy is important for anyone in a relationship, whether that be with a romantic partner, a work partner, or with your parents. This means any and everyone can use empathy. Even if you're stranded on a deserted island, you’re relating with yourself. In the movie Castaway, Tom Hanks befriends a volleyball as a way to provide empathy for himself.
Listening has traditionally been seen as a feminine quality or soft skill employed by patient mothers and sensitive nurses in care-taking roles. But both men and women in competitive fields like tech and finance are beginning to understand that empathy is a powerful tool in getting-things-done. When you’re able to understand what drives others, results come much faster.
Whether you’re a mother who wants to potty train their child or a manager who wants more productivity from your employees, you can use empathy to improve the quality of your connections and get quicker results in your relationships.
How do you improve empathy?
Empathy is a muscle. Lift weights and you get stronger. Work out your listening muscles and your ears get bigger. They may physically appear the same but people will see a noticeable difference in your ability to hear them.
Here are 3 exercises to beef up your binaural muscles:
1. Identify Feelings
Learning how to recognize what someone might be feeling is like learning any new language. You first need to develop a vocabulary. For example, if your boss came to you with a grimace on their face and a glare in their eyes, you might guess that they are frustrated or angry.
Accurately assessing someone’s feelings takes practice and the more you do it, the better you’ll get. Knowing how someone is feeling helps us respond to them appropriately.
If you want help increasing your awareness of feelings, explore this chart. Then, go through the list of people closest to you and consider how they are feeling given what’s currently going on in their life.
Image created by Bret Stein
2. Identify Values
Values help us to determine what is important to us. They also motivate us to take action. Take money for example. I work not because I value little green pieces of paper with dead presidents on them. I work because I value the process of creating, of contributing to my boss, and the security and freedom that money provides. When something we value is not being met, we experience negative feelings. When we have clarity and alignment with our values, we feel positive emotions.
If you want help building your vocabulary of values (also referred to as needs), explore this chart. Consider what you value and the people closest to you value.
Image created by Jim & Jori Manske, CNVC Certified Trainers in NVC
3. Be Curious and Objective
Sometimes, we prejudge a person out of a need to categorize and make sense of our world. For example, I asked a Caucasian couple for food once while riding a Greyhound bus. I was famished, desperate, and willing to pay. They smiled at me but nodded their heads “no.” I understand a “no,” but why smile to rub it in? It seemed a bit sadistic. The man asked me, “Se habla Español?” Only after a few clumsy exchanges did I realize this “white” couple were non-English speaking Mennonites from Mexico. This piqued my interest and I asked them questions about their community and life in Spanish. I realized that I had misinterpreted their body language. They smiled because they wanted to show warmth and nodded “no” because they didn’t understand English. When the couple realized I had asked to buy some food from them, they insisted on giving me three pounds of Mennonite cheese. Remember: “When you assume, you make an ass out of u and me.”
You can practice many of these skills with yourself first. For example, a friend canceled on plans you made together last minute. Ask yourself,
What is it that I’m feeling? (Perhaps confused, hurt, or disappointment)
What value or need is not being met? (Perhaps clarity, dependability, or mutuality)
What could be another explanation besides the negative judgment you assumed? (Perhaps a pipe burst in their house. In this light, “sorry, need to cancel” might mean something different to you).
4. Make Learning Social
If you just read this, you have some awareness, but if you really want to be a better listener, consider making empathy a daily practice and exercise those ears.
Back in High School, I wanted to get buff because I wanted to be more attractive. Then I found out lifting weights was no fun until I discovered I could do it with my friends. Social support can go a long way when developing new habits.
Here are a couple of ways you can make listening more social and fun:
Join a weekly meetup group focused on listening practice. Search for “NVC” or “compassionate communication” on www.meetup.com in your area.
Join my weekly Listening Practice Group every 5PM CST every Monday at this Zoom link.
If you prefer not to be around strangers, look in the mirror or open a google chat and have a conversation with yourself. The idea is to have something outside of yourself to feel like another person is there. Speak to yourself like how you would speak to a friend to help you connect better to what you are feeling. Empathy starts with you. Start what the questions, “How am I feeling right now?” and “Why do I feel how I feel?” Then, see where the conversation gets you.
Perhaps something is calling you to make a shift. Perhaps you're tired of feeling misunderstood or frustrated or sad about the unresolved conflicts in your relationships. Perhaps something is calling you to take interest in empathic listening. Take a moment. Do you hear the call?
Like the time my sister reached out to me. I heard the call.
I felt scared but also safe and ready to connect. I picked up the phone and was glad I did. I hope you will too.
Dao Nguyen
Contributing Author